Empathy and Stoicism
I, like many other men in my generation, was brought up to not to cry. Not to say this was a direct teaching of my parents, but the overall effect of my upbringing. My parents, on the other hand, are recovering hippies and did their best to try to counter the teachings of society. So I developed this interesting dichotomy of dealing with emotional pain.
In times of stress and where other people need a foundation, I handle emotional pain like any good father/husband/boyfriend/male -- by being strong foundation and holding together the family/friendship/parter. But when alone, or in a comfortable place, I find my empathy overwhelming. I use the simplest of opportunities to catch up on all the crying I should have done when being stoic for someone else. When I do open up, not only do I process overdue emotions from myself, I seem to be a beacon for empathy. The rest of the day (or week sometimes) I feel and experience the emotions of everyone around me.
I bring this up on this blog because of my plans to enter into UU lay ministry. Pastoral Care is a large part of this endeavor. Before my marriage, I was the guy that everyone went to for advice. When I studied as a Shaman, my goal was to help people spiritually, and I was fairly good at it. Unfortunately, things changed after my sister died. I could make many guesses and rationalizations on why, but the bottom line was my role changed. Soon after her death, I became a husband, a step-dad, and then a father. I think my stoic side took over. I was no longer the emotional supporter for my peers.
Over the last 2 years, as divorce and single parenthood changed my station yet again, I find myself filling the role as an empath again. Maybe it has to do with reconnecting with my spirituality. Maybe it has to do for my acceptance of the divorce. Maybe it has to do with mending the wounds of my sister's passing. Maybe it has to do with being a full time father and loving every second of it. I don't know the reason. All I know is that I feel a lot more nowadays. I feel my own emotions and those around me.
And I like it.
3 comments:
Congratulations :) It sounds like you're in a really good place in your life, and it will only get better.
The unemotional aspect is the real self. Emotions are a sign of something being wrong beneath the surface. Like alarms going off they should be neither supressed nor valued in and of themselves. Attend to your feelings, then figure out what is causing them, then make it go away.
Anonymous, you have amazing timing. I just had a ton of crappy things happen and my stoicism faltered. My family depends on me so much that when I broke down, the whole family was affected. I have just resolved to change this last night. Thanks for commenting and allowing me to read what I wrote 8 years ago.
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